21 April 2008

Prayer for Victory

I'm packing. Going through papers I found the following prayer which my sister sent me some time ago (10/6/2004). I'm putting it here so I won't loose it, and so I will be reminded to pray it more often.

Dear Lord,

I need victory. {State what you need victory over.} You have promised victory as a free gift in I Cor. 15:57. "But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ."

I ask believingly, and I thank you I have received triumphantly -- not because I feel it, but because you have promised to deliver those who all their lifetime have been subject to bondage.

{See Heb. 2:14-15.}

In Jesus name,

Amen

Hebrews 2:14-15. "Therefore since the children have partaken of flesh and blood, He Himself likewise shared in the same things, in order that through death He might destroy the one having the power of death, that is, the devil, and that He might set free these, as many as by fear of death through all of their lives, were subject to bondage.

20 April 2008

Flight Frustration & Packing

Today was ok.  I started the day listening to Dr. Jennings on my MP3 player.  It was much better than lying there and falling into my fantasy and masturbation routine which is common. We watched Dr. Jennings during breakfast too.

The issue of forgiveness really spoke to me.  I think I have mis-understood that a lot...especially with my horrible situation in Pueblito (small anonymous town in Mexico) & Sra. N.  I think that has affected my life much more than it should have, and I think my sexual issues were more of a cause and more affected than I will ever truely know.

For some reason my stomach was a total wreck from breakfast till lunch.  I think it was nerves...about packing, the trip...I don't know what all.

Then I felt I should try to change my flight...just see if it would be possible.  What a fiasco that turned into.  I called 3 times: 1) Lady said it would cost $76 -- something about an "exchange rate" I thought she said, but Q fare was available.  2) Lady said there is no extra fee, and no change fee with the Dr's excuse slip.  OK that is more like it!
3) Lady was not very nice...I should have hung up and tried again.  I could tell....she changed my ticket then told me they say it will cost $100 extra, that the ticket was wrong is someway.  I talked to a supervisor...same BS.  I was upset and angry.  How can they tell me 3 different things in 3 hours.

Oh yes, between 2) & 3) I called NMG (close friend from Mexico) to see if the changed schedule would work.  Cool!
Then I get screwed on the price.  Oh well, what do you do?  It will be good to get to Korea a day earlier.

The rest of the day, mostly packing, finally did go for a walk with M&D (parents) then helped dad get some trash in the pickup for a neighbour.

This evening more packing.  I ready to be done, and know that I need to get off this before the temptation to go bad places gets too strong.

+ Jesus, thank you for your help and victory at least in certain areas today.  I realize I have a lot to go in the anger department.  I don't usually even think about being angry, 'cause I'm feeling so guilty for the porn and M stuff. +

Here is my personal assesment...is this a good idea?

Negative goals:
  • No porn = 10
  • No masturbation = 10
  • No anger = 4 (dealing with flight and M&D)
Positive goals:
  • Listen/read in recovery = 10
  • Behold the Lamb of God = 4 (family worship only)
  • exercise = 4 (only walking with M&D and a bit in garden)
  • connect with friend = 9 (talked well with NMG)
Blessings:
  • Mom fixed my ties and got the spot out of one my favorite ones.  Halleluah!
  • Beautiful weather today, and chance for a walk
  • It was great to talk to NMG, and he invited me to a *family* reunion and Bday celebration in Dec of 2009!  Who knows where anyone will be then...but I want to go see my Mexican family.

19 April 2008

Anointed & Busy

What is the life cycle of a cake? That was the opening question in the SS class I taught at church. I think this was the 3rd or 4th time I have taught the SS class since I have been "home" for almost 4 months now. I have lead the study on Wed. night a couple times too. The people seem to enjoy my style or something. I'm not sure what.

I guess this is confirmation that maybe teaching IS my thing...my gift. I just sort of do my thing. Last week one older gentleman said, "if you taught all the time I would come back to this SS class." My mother says he is a gripe. Whatever....he had been a pastor for many years, quite successful it sounded like...but mother says he is stuck on himself. Interesting that he would like my teaching anyway.

During church they had singing and testimony time. I felt I should say thank for the blessing of renewed eyesight (I just had cataract surgery on both eyes) and also that through all that God was able to get through to me about my spiritual blindness as well. I choose to follow that impression. That is a hard thing for me to do...so that was a victory for today.

From 2:20 to 2:44 pm I met with Pastors P & J. I have been talking to Pastor P and emailing about my porn addiction. He has tried to put me in contact with some potential help. So far I have talked by phone to a guy in Atlanta, play phone tag with another person and the best connection so far...at least I think...is my online friend WC who has a similar background and seems to understand the struggle.

We met for an anointing service. This is based on the following bible passage:

James 5:14-16
(14) Is any sick among you? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord.
(15) And the prayer of faith will cure the sick, and the Lord shall raise him up. And if he has committed sins, it will be forgiven him.
(16) Confess faults to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous one avails much.

I had actually wanted to be anointed before my surgeries, but it didn't work out. Finally now, I believe that God honors our prayers. I know victory over my addiction is His will. I also asked for complete healing from my other eye problems...God can and will if it is best for me and His work.

***
Insert about Organ Seminar
***

Tonight, after supper I opened up email really hoping WC would have written. Nothing. I had this physical sensation of longing. This is the precursor to porn and masturbation usually.

For some reason, I think God's help, I realized there was this longing to connect with someone, to be understood. I have been around people all day, being a teacher, putting on the face. And I realize that when it is over, I want honest open communication, to feel loved and understood.

I think at least part of my porn addiction has been this search for intimacy & connection. Living vicariously through the *intimacy* of the porn stars. But of course I have no one, and I don't see how I ever will. I know that even if I were "married" that it is impossible to have this every time you *need* it. Fact is, often people in relationships are more frustrated an isolated even than me, I think, because they're "spouse" isn't there, isn't understanding, isn't intimate.

Jesus, I need you to supply this need. Because I see not way to get it here in appropriate ways. Thank you for helping me get through this day with no porn.

17 April 2008

My Story: The Intro

My story --at least from a certain vantage point-- is recounted here. This is a revision of my story posted here around 1998. If you enjoy this sort of thing, you might be interested to see the differences then and now.

As I work through this revision in pieces, I'm hoping to find that some of my attitudes about life have changed for the better. Other haven't changed much maybe, but I think I now worry less about the mysteries because I have learned to trust my heavenly Guide more explicitly.

Working through this old story will probably be encouraging at times and discouraging at others. So if you find this helpful or at least interesting, would you please leave a comment? At this point, I doubt that many will find this. But life has surprised me before.

My Lust for Victory Begins

Today I have decided to win this battle - with God's help of course.

It is no longer a struggle, it is all out war. And the outcome is sure, because Jesus Christ has already WON, and today, again I choose to be on His side.

Who or what is the enemy? Pornography, specifically gay porn. I will start there. There will be more battles, but this is the one for the moment.

If you happen to find this blog and want to join my war, please let me know. I know there are many others who are fighting their own war.

I will be sharing my thoughts, experiences, successes and failures. I believe this is the beginning of the end. The beginning of an assured Victory!