26 October 2010

Mid-term Test & Anger

I see that being angry makes me want to write.  So maybe I should be angry more often, right?  Would you like me to write more, or does it matter?  Like so many other things in my life, most of the time I'm just talking to the wind, or so it seems.

The good thing about today is that I finished my Mid-term testing.  But now I have to finish grading it.  I much rather just give the damn tests.  Also, now we are back to normal classes, which means I don't feel I know what the hell I am doing.  That is the main reason for my anger tonight.

How can I spend so much time in my office and have nothing to show for it?  Sure, I printed out some stuff, and I brain stormed about some cool ideas, and I talked to some co-workers, etc.  What what, in concrete do I have to do with my class tomorrow?

I feel much more secure and happier if I have a plan that is practical and doable.  So why don't I make one?  I think I like creative work better, but I end up prioritizing grade accounting way more than I should.  Yet I hate the paperwork.  Something doesn't make sense to me here.

The thing is, I love HAVING ideas, but I don't really like DOING the ideas.  WHY?

19 October 2010

STD testing and Anger

I'm angry again tonight.  Only about a 7 on the scale, but enough to notice.  I came home from work again pretty late.  Stopped by the super market to get some milk and salad stuff...good thing I did...we were completely out of milk, a necessity at breakfast for me.

It isn't so much the lateness but the fact that I am still not at all ready for tomorrow's classes.  Why can't I really work hard for about an hour after classes finish at 4:30 and get my stuff done?  It just never happens.  I'm tired from class, I want--need a break.  That break never gets broken, and I end up writing emails, and other stuff that needs to be done, but does not contribute to my peace or calmness of mind when tomorrow morning comes and a new day of class starts.

And tomorrow is mid-term testing, so there is no choice but to be ready.  I can't fake this one.

The Dr. finally called me back, much later than I expected that he would even be at the office--oh crap I forgot to ask him how to get a print out of the results!  He told me everything was negative.  For the first time in my life, that much negativity was a VERY GOOD thing.

Since a few days after my last overnight at Hamilton Hotel Sauna (which I still haven't finished blogging about) I have had some red places and discomfort on the "goods" which raised some concerns.  I was about to think I might have gotten herpes from that cock slut that blew me.

Since I have never been really checked out since coming to Korea, I decided it might be a good time.  The STD tests cost more than I expected, about $150, and it took over a week to get all the results.  It was the result of the herpes test that I was waiting on and most worried about.  But hey, now I know I don't even have the cold sore type, which I thought I probably did, though I don't ever get cold sores.  

Since thankfully it isn't herpes, it must be the same thing I had a few years ago in another town.  The Korean Dr. there said it was just a normal everyday bacteria gone a bit crazy.

So I'm very happy about the STD test result, and angry about not getting my test prep finished, and writing this blog didn't get me any closer to that goal either, but I really wanted to tell someone about this...GI Joe is never available to talk about it!  ARGH!!!

08 October 2010

Gay Man's Paradise

A face book friend brought this article to my attention.  It is refreshing when a religious straight person really thinks deeply enough about the catch 22 situation so many of us are in.

If number of comments tells you anything about an articles relevance, then this one must be VERY relevant.

I couldn't help myself.  I had to add my thanks as well.  Here is what I wrote:
I thank you, Steve, for having the guts to put your conflicted, struggling thoughts in print. 
Oh, how I wish it were possible to find answers to this issue! I'm now in my late 40's and still can not figure out how to deal with being gay. While all around me, people progress through their lives, I am frozen in time (except the body never made it into the freezer!). I have never had a long-term, committed relationship with either gender--both are off limits--but the "blessing" of celibacy also eludes me, especially celibacy of the mind and heart!
Recently, through the haze of addiction and disenchantment, I am learning to hang feverishly onto 2 Peter 3:9. How I desperately hope that Peter's definition of "anyone" can somehow include a very confused and lost gay man. The lights, the music...all the bling-bling of heaven...sounds like any gay man's paradise!
Christ Object Lessons pg. 159 has become my ground zero. "... no man can empty himself of self." No gay man can change whatever it is that needs changing. "We can only consent for Christ to accomplish the work. 
"Then the language of the soul will be, Lord, take my heart; for I cannot give it. It is Thy property. Keep it pure, for I cannot keep it for Thee. Save me in spite of myself, my weak, unchristlike self. Mold me, fashion me, raise me into a pure and holy atmosphere, where the rich current of Thy love can flow through my soul."
I keep praying this prayer. I have come to believe it is my last, my only hope!
Dear reader, especially if you have a hot-line to heaven, please pray, desperately pray, that Jesus can include all your gay brothers and sisters in Peter's "anyone." So many of us have given up praying for ourselves!