Lust for Victory

Mid-term Test & Anger

2010-10-26T06:38:00.000-07:00

I see that being angry makes me want to write. So maybe I should be angry more often, right? Would you like me to write more, or does it matter? Like so many other things in my life, most of the time I'm just talking to the wind, or so it seems.

The good thing about today is that I finished my Mid-term testing. But now I have to finish grading it. I much rather just give the damn tests. Also, now we are back to normal classes, which means I don't feel I know what the hell I am doing. That is the main reason for my anger tonight.

How can I spend so much time in my office and have nothing to show for it? Sure, I printed out some stuff, and I brain stormed about some cool ideas, and I talked to some co-workers, etc. What what, in concrete do I have to do with my class tomorrow?

I feel much more secure and happier if I have a plan that is practical and doable. So why don't I make one? I think I like creative work better, but I end up prioritizing grade accounting way more than I should. Yet I hate the paperwork. Something doesn't make sense to me here.

The thing is, I love HAVING ideas, but I don't really like DOING the ideas. WHY?

STD testing and Anger

2010-10-19T06:30:00.000-07:00

I'm angry again tonight. Only about a 7 on the scale, but enough to notice. I came home from work again pretty late. Stopped by the super market to get some milk and salad stuff...good thing I did...we were completely out of milk, a necessity at breakfast for me.

It isn't so much the lateness but the fact that I am still not at all ready for tomorrow's classes. Why can't I really work hard for about an hour after classes finish at 4:30 and get my stuff done? It just never happens. I'm tired from class, I want--need a break. That break never gets broken, and I end up writing emails, and other stuff that needs to be done, but does not contribute to my peace or calmness of mind when tomorrow morning comes and a new day of class starts.

And tomorrow is mid-term testing, so there is no choice but to be ready. I can't fake this one.

The Dr. finally called me back, much later than I expected that he would even be at the office--oh crap I forgot to ask him how to get a print out of the results! He told me everything was negative. For the first time in my life, that much negativity was a VERY GOOD thing.

Since a few days after my last overnight at Hamilton Hotel Sauna (which I still haven't finished blogging about) I have had some red places and discomfort on the "goods" which raised some concerns. I was about to think I might have gotten herpes from that cock slut that blew me.

Since I have never been really checked out since coming to Korea, I decided it might be a good time. The STD tests cost more than I expected, about $150, and it took over a week to get all the results. It was the result of the herpes test that I was waiting on and most worried about. But hey, now I know I don't even have the cold sore type, which I thought I probably did, though I don't ever get cold sores.

Since thankfully it isn't herpes, it must be the same thing I had a few years ago in another town. The Korean Dr. there said it was just a normal everyday bacteria gone a bit crazy.

So I'm very happy about the STD test result, and angry about not getting my test prep finished, and writing this blog didn't get me any closer to that goal either, but I really wanted to tell someone about this...GI Joe is never available to talk about it! ARGH!!!

Gay Man's Paradise

2010-10-08T04:23:00.000-07:00

A face book friend brought this article to my attention. It is refreshing when a religious straight person really thinks deeply enough about the catch 22 situation so many of us are in.

If number of comments tells you anything about an articles relevance, then this one must be VERY relevant.

I couldn't help myself. I had to add my thanks as well. Here is what I wrote:

I thank you, Steve, for having the guts to put your conflicted, struggling thoughts in print.

Oh, how I wish it were possible to find answers to this issue! I'm now in my late 40's and still can not figure out how to deal with being gay. While all around me, people progress through their lives, I am frozen in time (except the body never made it into the freezer!). I have never had a long-term, committed relationship with either gender--both are off limits--but the "blessing" of celibacy also eludes me, especially celibacy of the mind and heart!

Recently, through the haze of addiction and disenchantment, I am learning to hang feverishly onto 2 Peter 3:9. How I desperately hope that Peter's definition of "anyone" can somehow include a very confused and lost gay man. The lights, the music...all the bling-bling of heaven...sounds like any gay man's paradise!

Christ Object Lessons pg. 159 has become my ground zero. "... no man can empty himself of self." No gay man can change whatever it is that needs changing. "We can only consent for Christ to accomplish the work.

"Then the language of the soul will be, Lord, take my heart; for I cannot give it. It is Thy property. Keep it pure, for I cannot keep it for Thee. Save me in spite of myself, my weak, unchristlike self. Mold me, fashion me, raise me into a pure and holy atmosphere, where the rich current of Thy love can flow through my soul."

I keep praying this prayer. I have come to believe it is my last, my only hope!

Dear reader, especially if you have a hot-line to heaven, please pray, desperately pray, that Jesus can include all your gay brothers and sisters in Peter's "anyone." So many of us have given up praying for ourselves!

He's Got the Whole World...

2010-09-30T20:53:00.000-07:00

I really like this picture. It reminds me of that old song. I really need to remember today that God has control of everything, because right now I'm NOT feeling in control or at peace!

Today I got an email forward from my parents. Subject: "Encouraging news!" It tells some interesting stories about the spread of the "Sabbath Message" and says, "Surely He cometh quickly!!" Such emails, and there are been a couple recently, produce such conflict in my heart. I know I should be happy and look forward to Christ's coming with joy and hope, but I see my life as so messed up and beyond repair that I come so close to despair.

I really believe all this stuff, but when you are gay, and addicted to porn, and probably haven't keep Sabbath, really, in many years, it sounds more like a death sentence. I keep trying to hold on to the belief that God is working in my life and He can clean it up in His way and time. This is a HUGE struggle for me. I see myself getting progressively worse, not better. But I don't know how God sees me.

When I think of it -- usually after spending hours online looking at porn and jacking off (like this morning) -- I ask God to take my heart and change it. Certainly I have had no luck changing myself.

This is just the beginning of why I am so distracted and unsettled today, but I can't talk about it all here, right now. Where is that miracle of progress...before it is too late?

Focus

2010-09-26T08:00:00.000-07:00

I was in the office this afternoon from about 2 to 11 pm. I made a list of about 6 things to do. How many of them did I complete? ZERO, not one of them did I really complete! Why is this?

It is because I'm so distracted. I have been this way all my life it seems. I remember having a very hard time in school getting my homework done. Same problem. Is there any hope that I will be able to change now?

It is CRAZY to work all Sunday afternoon, till 11 pm and not having anything to show for it! The point is, I didn't really work. I started out well, setting a timer and trying to focus. But that lasts for about 30 mins. and then I get off the system or get curious and end up surfing the net or sometime.

In the process I did find this website about how to get focused. I spend some time looking at it and realize I need to read it. I also made some comments...we'll see if they do any good.

Also, another one of my distractions is frustration and anger. I don't like my teaching materials, and there are big problems with the online lab that students are using. When these emotions come up I just shut down and need my addiction to release the stress.

So yes, I probably spent the last several hours surfing Model Mayhem and that, of course, led to watching porn.

WHAT I LEARNED: Lack of focus is one of my MAJOR problems. If anyone can pray with me about this, I really need it.

Vacation = Frustration (part 1)

2010-09-26T01:05:00.000-07:00

Venting...

Feeling: Angry

Mood: Depressed Desperation

Reason: Failure to accomplish mental goals for the holiday

This is such a recurring problem for me. Having great dreams of accomplishments but completing almost none of them. Even now, that is how I feel about this blog. It produces more guilt than anything else.

I was going to spend about 20 or 30 minutes writing an entry. With only 8 mins left, I have almost nothing done. Maybe I will do it in parts, and at least get something written. Something is better than nothing, right?

I was really looking forward to this holiday. With the cancelling of my Monday classes I literally had no scheduled work for 10 straight days. Some people could save the entire planet in that length of time. Me? I apparently can't accomplish a darn thing!

Partly it is my fault, but partly because I'm a sucker for putting other people first. While that might seem good, my needs and goals end up in last place, so those of others usually are the only ones I accomplish since what others needed or want get done first, and after all the time I waste on my addition, there is no time left to work on my real goals. It has been this way for years. I know I need to change, but that just doesn't seem to be happening fast.

I keep praying....

Changes for better or for worse?

2010-08-14T19:35:00.000-07:00

I started this post a very long time ago. It just proves one of the many things I struggle with so much, and hate about myself...

lack of consistency and follow through, especially on things I need to do for myself.

You see, I wrote about two days of Kinship, but I never got any further. There were four days, and they were all great, and I wish I had written about all of them while I still remember. But it just didn't happen.

I really would like to be a good blogger, but I'm too obsessed with other things--mainly porn--to seem to get such done.

Well, here is the post from the past--the far distant past--like spring of 2008 I think.

--------

Living on the other side of the world from where I last wrote is quite a change. I'm in Asia again, living in an Asian New York (ANY). I'm back to my old job, teaching English, but I also have some administrative duties as well. I'm not sure that is a good idea, but they asked me, and I said if they were stupid enough to ask a right brained person to do a left brained persons work, I would try.

Actually, several years ago I took an online test which told you what your job would be if you lived in a medieval society. A young, very intelligent, German friend of mine told me about it. He had taken it and it said he should be a duke, or some other personage of note. So I look it on a lark, just for fun.....It said I would be a benevolent ruler. So...I'm hoping it is prophetic and that I am able to "rule" well and with grace and equity but with tolerance and wisdom.

Kinship Kampmeeting ~ Day 2

2010-07-22T21:58:00.000-07:00

Truly an amazing day.

Here is an outline written quickly before I forget it all. I will try to develop it more later.

Didn't go to the early morning devotion and exercise....I was keeping my addiction from rusting!

Morning Mtg: Beth G. was fantastic. What touching stories...especially about her brother coming out to her just last fall. She showed us a picture of her "beautiful brother". (OMG, but he is gorgeous!) Also very touching about her retired-SDA-pastor-father who now wants to be an advocate for gays and lesbians in the church. WOW!

Business Mtg: A bit long, but actually quite interesting.

Lunch: One of the servers is Asian and so f**king cute and I'm sure gay. I kept eye flirting with him.

2-4 pm: "Sandro D." gave a presentation about a paper he did dealing with homophobia and religiosity. A bit long but quite well presented. I'm quite fascinated by Sandro. He is 25 and 100% pretty boy...beautiful eastern-European-Bel-Ami-model looks. I was left with a major curiosity as to weather or not he is gay. He neither confirmed nor denied it in his talk. Hum....I have to figure this out!

4-6 pm: Film "Brother Outsider." Very good, a story I had never heard about a man I had never heard of. If you haven't seen it, you MUST!

Dinner: Sat at the table with Sandro, the gay male couple with two kids (via a surrogate), and others. I still couldn't figure Sandro out. Went to a short meeting for local coordinators. I think I will try to do something when I get back to Korea, but don't know how much. The cute Asian boy was there again. I'm so in lust! I actually gave him my numbers on a sheet of paper after dinner....no response so far...and feeling pretty stupid about it. Oh well!

Evening Mtg: Changed to watching the film about the LDS church and Proposition 8 in California. Very interesting and thought provoking....but not really enjoyable.

Evening Mtg 2: "Our Stories." I hurried across the isle and got in the group with Sandro. Very interesting story, OMG! But that is all I can say until he graduates....you always have risks at SDA institutions. The other stories were very interesting too...

Afterwards Seth and I talked for quite a while. We are going to try to practice some piano duets tomorrow.

OK, I'm super tired now. I hope this makes some sense. It is more details than I planned on.

Kinship Kampmeeting ~ Day 1

2010-07-22T21:26:00.000-07:00

I am at my first SDA Kinship Kampmeeting.

Why did I spend the money to come (well over $600)?

I was logistically close anyway
I was curious what it was about
I wanted to be with "my own kind"
I might meet someone that understands me
This is something entirely for me and no one else and I deserve it!

July 21, 12:45 pm. I met my ride close to my parents house. Lesbian (obviously) mother and gay son. Interesting visit on the way to the conference venue, about 1.5 hours drive.

We were here a bit early, but got checked in and registered. The retreat center and hotel is VERY nice and the people seem very nice.

It is interesting to be in a place where you are assumed to be gay...LOL...no explanations required, but we do like to hear our stories, but I'm getting ahead of myself a bit.

I worked on my editing project until almost time for dinner. Then dinner was a sit-down affair that was actually quite nice. There were eight of us around the table. It turns out they included the president of Kinship, the speaker for the evening and her partner, and a former pastor who is very involved in the running of the Kampmeeting. The food was decent. Main course was a sort of pumpkin filled ravioli with vegetables.

Evening meeting: Niki talked about ethics, justice and righteousness. Good, but I don't really remember the real point now.

Afterward I payed for the rest of my fee and then talked quite a while to the "money man" and Daneen A. Mr. Money pretty well pulled my entire personal history out of me, and he shared quite a bit (with several interruptions) about himself as well. Certainly a very nice man, with a very interesting history with the church.

I stayed up too late channel surfing, so I need to get to bed on time tonight.

…alone…bloated…chaotic…

2010-04-23T07:40:00.000-07:00

Alone is my heart.

Bloated is my belly.

Chaotic are my thoughts, and most certainly my desk….old habits…

ADD thoughts just will not be organized tonight, so, James Joyce, stand aside!...

Bad-week, long-week, four-times-to-“La Restaurant”-week, mid-term-test-week, talk-to-much-with-KHw-week…coming-out-a-little-more-week…

I miss GI Joe much more than I thought I would, this week, because I don’t ever get to talk to him when I expect too….yea yea…”no expectations—no frustrations” but he told me he would call, Thursday night and now tonight…still nothing…what am I to or not to do?

What do I know about relationships…that word which got deleted from my emotional dictionary? Can this be called one? or is it just that I want to get that lost word back?

Korean bath-house “Sauna” a naked first meeting…no cover-up…probably not the way most hetero couples first meet…ha HA! “Eyes-dropping” on GI Joe (before I knew that) and the young Korean twink he was making the move on….I was lusting to watch the action which was sure to follow.

more to cum...

Coming Back...to this Blog, that is.

2010-04-19T20:52:00.000-07:00

I realize I need to work on this blog. I need an outlet for journaling. If there were some people who would actually find this and read some of it, it would help. But I guess I need to write for me and my own mental health.

Having said that, if anyone DOES happen to find this blog, please leave a comment. Thank you!

Different but the Same

2009-08-29T03:52:00.000-07:00

It has been a long time since I wrote.

Everything is different....everything is the same.

Tonight I feel maginalized, alone, angry.

It is Saturday...I have been in my apartment all day. The weather was wonderful, why do I do this. I really had no where to go, and there was no one who seemed to want to see me...everyone had other plans, HOGm & FS.

I did chat with DOCm on skype...that was good. He is the only person in my life that will ask me directly how I'm doing in my spiritual life. He is 20 years younger than me, and in a very different place than I am, but I love him, and I think he loves me in that special friendship way.

It is something that runs deep. A deep sympathy and mutual care than runs beneath all the trivialities of life.

But I still feel very alone tonight. My day was wasted. I didn't even pray or read the Bible, and it is Sabbath. When will God change my heart and give me a heart to love Him?

Prayer for Victory

2008-04-21T13:48:00.000-07:00

I'm packing. Going through papers I found the following prayer which my sister sent me some time ago (10/6/2004). I'm putting it here so I won't loose it, and so I will be reminded to pray it more often.

Dear Lord,

I need victory. {State what you need victory over.} You have promised victory as a free gift in I Cor. 15:57. "But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ."

I ask believingly, and I thank you I have received triumphantly -- not because I feel it, but because you have promised to deliver those who all their lifetime have been subject to bondage.

{See Heb. 2:14-15.}

In Jesus name,

Amen

Hebrews 2:14-15. "Therefore since the children have partaken of flesh and blood, He Himself likewise shared in the same things, in order that through death He might destroy the one having the power of death, that is, the devil, and that He might set free these, as many as by fear of death through all of their lives, were subject to bondage.

Flight Frustration & Packing

2008-04-20T19:32:00.000-07:00

Today was ok. I started the day listening to Dr. Jennings on my MP3 player. It was much better than lying there and falling into my fantasy and masturbation routine which is common. We watched Dr. Jennings during breakfast too.

The issue of forgiveness really spoke to me. I think I have mis-understood that a lot...especially with my horrible situation in Pueblito (small anonymous town in Mexico) & Sra. N. I think that has affected my life much more than it should have, and I think my sexual issues were more of a cause and more affected than I will ever truely know.

For some reason my stomach was a total wreck from breakfast till lunch. I think it was nerves...about packing, the trip...I don't know what all.

Then I felt I should try to change my flight...just see if it would be possible. What a fiasco that turned into. I called 3 times: 1) Lady said it would cost $76 -- something about an "exchange rate" I thought she said, but Q fare was available. 2) Lady said there is no extra fee, and no change fee with the Dr's excuse slip.  OK that is more like it!
3) Lady was not very nice...I should have hung up and tried again.  I could tell....she changed my ticket then told me they say it will cost $100 extra, that the ticket was wrong is someway.  I talked to a supervisor...same BS.  I was upset and angry.  How can they tell me 3 different things in 3 hours.

Oh yes, between 2) & 3) I called NMG (close friend from Mexico) to see if the changed schedule would work.  Cool!
Then I get screwed on the price. Oh well, what do you do? It will be good to get to Korea a day earlier.

The rest of the day, mostly packing, finally did go for a walk with M&D (parents) then helped dad get some trash in the pickup for a neighbour.

This evening more packing. I ready to be done, and know that I need to get off this before the temptation to go bad places gets too strong.

+ Jesus, thank you for your help and victory at least in certain areas today. I realize I have a lot to go in the anger department. I don't usually even think about being angry, 'cause I'm feeling so guilty for the porn and M stuff. +

Here is my personal assesment...is this a good idea?

Negative goals:

No porn = 10
No masturbation = 10
No anger = 4 (dealing with flight and M&D)

Positive goals:

Listen/read in recovery = 10
Behold the Lamb of God = 4 (family worship only)
exercise = 4 (only walking with M&D and a bit in garden)
connect with friend = 9 (talked well with NMG)

Blessings:

Mom fixed my ties and got the spot out of one my favorite ones. Halleluah!
Beautiful weather today, and chance for a walk
It was great to talk to NMG, and he invited me to a *family* reunion and Bday celebration in Dec of 2009! Who knows where anyone will be then...but I want to go see my Mexican family.

Anointed & Busy

2008-04-19T17:59:00.000-07:00

What is the life cycle of a cake? That was the opening question in the SS class I taught at church. I think this was the 3rd or 4th time I have taught the SS class since I have been "home" for almost 4 months now. I have lead the study on Wed. night a couple times too. The people seem to enjoy my style or something. I'm not sure what.

I guess this is confirmation that maybe teaching IS my thing...my gift. I just sort of do my thing. Last week one older gentleman said, "if you taught all the time I would come back to this SS class." My mother says he is a gripe. Whatever....he had been a pastor for many years, quite successful it sounded like...but mother says he is stuck on himself. Interesting that he would like my teaching anyway.

During church they had singing and testimony time. I felt I should say thank for the blessing of renewed eyesight (I just had cataract surgery on both eyes) and also that through all that God was able to get through to me about my spiritual blindness as well. I choose to follow that impression. That is a hard thing for me to do...so that was a victory for today.

From 2:20 to 2:44 pm I met with Pastors P & J. I have been talking to Pastor P and emailing about my porn addiction. He has tried to put me in contact with some potential help. So far I have talked by phone to a guy in Atlanta, play phone tag with another person and the best connection so far...at least I think...is my online friend WC who has a similar background and seems to understand the struggle.

We met for an anointing service. This is based on the following bible passage:

James 5:14-16
(14) Is any sick among you? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord.
(15) And the prayer of faith will cure the sick, and the Lord shall raise him up. And if he has committed sins, it will be forgiven him.
(16) Confess faults to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous one avails much.

I had actually wanted to be anointed before my surgeries, but it didn't work out. Finally now, I believe that God honors our prayers. I know victory over my addiction is His will. I also asked for complete healing from my other eye problems...God can and will if it is best for me and His work.

***
Insert about Organ Seminar
***

Tonight, after supper I opened up email really hoping WC would have written. Nothing. I had this physical sensation of longing. This is the precursor to porn and masturbation usually.

For some reason, I think God's help, I realized there was this longing to connect with someone, to be understood. I have been around people all day, being a teacher, putting on the face. And I realize that when it is over, I want honest open communication, to feel loved and understood.

I think at least part of my porn addiction has been this search for intimacy & connection. Living vicariously through the *intimacy* of the porn stars. But of course I have no one, and I don't see how I ever will. I know that even if I were "married" that it is impossible to have this every time you *need* it. Fact is, often people in relationships are more frustrated an isolated even than me, I think, because they're "spouse" isn't there, isn't understanding, isn't intimate.

Jesus, I need you to supply this need. Because I see not way to get it here in appropriate ways. Thank you for helping me get through this day with no porn.

My Story: The Intro

2008-04-17T16:47:00.000-07:00

My story --at least from a certain vantage point-- is recounted here. This is a revision of my story posted here around 1998. If you enjoy this sort of thing, you might be interested to see the differences then and now.

As I work through this revision in pieces, I'm hoping to find that some of my attitudes about life have changed for the better. Other haven't changed much maybe, but I think I now worry less about the mysteries because I have learned to trust my heavenly Guide more explicitly.

Working through this old story will probably be encouraging at times and discouraging at others. So if you find this helpful or at least interesting, would you please leave a comment? At this point, I doubt that many will find this. But life has surprised me before.

My Lust for Victory Begins

2008-04-17T09:51:00.000-07:00

Today I have decided to win this battle - with God's help of course.

It is no longer a struggle, it is all out war. And the outcome is sure, because Jesus Christ has already WON, and today, again I choose to be on His side.

Who or what is the enemy? Pornography, specifically gay porn. I will start there. There will be more battles, but this is the one for the moment.

If you happen to find this blog and want to join my war, please let me know. I know there are many others who are fighting their own war.

I will be sharing my thoughts, experiences, successes and failures. I believe this is the beginning of the end. The beginning of an assured Victory!