Today was the day, maybe.  It is now 11:00 pm.

I appears I have a higher change of living, but I'm going back tomorrow to learn even more.  So I'm still struggling to fight against my fear and trust that things will be OK.

The endocrinologist said the bump on my throat that I have been so stressed about is normal, just the cartilage.  He felt my neck and said he couldn't feel anything abnormal, but to be sure, I could do an ultra-sound of the thyroid.  That is why I'm still battling fear.  That is tomorrow.  I hope and pray it is normal, and that all my neck discomfort has been my crazy brain.  If not, I will have to deal with it, and God will be with me I'm sure.

At cardiology I didn't learn too much.  I wish I had asked better questions.  I assume that there is nothing serious, because once he was my ECG which confirms that I have WPW syndrome (which I already knew about) he only talked about that.  He tried to confirm that I wasn't having symptoms.  He also told me about a "cure."  I don't think I will do it, however.

When I got home I called my mother and we talked for a very long time.  It was a very spiritual conversation, and uplifting.  I was feeling much better, obviously, but now feel afraid again.  We talked about my coming home and what I would do, etc.

I was able to make a final decision about my flight to visit my aunt (who has been living with cancer for years).

I so want life to get back to normal, but I don't know if that is possible.

PRAYER

Lord Jesus,

I feeling afraid about tomorrow again.  I thought the fear would be over.  But I choose to trust YOU gain tonight.

I feel the desperate need to be past the fear, and have the strength to be a support to Mother, instead of another worry.  Oh, please please, give me health of mind and give or keep my healthy in body.

Thank YOU for the changes YOU are working in my heart by YOUR saving grace

Again, tonight, whether I live or die soon, I trust my soul into YOUR keeping.  YOU have promised that whoever comes to YOU will not be cast out.  Lord Jesus, I come.

I believe, help Thou my unbelief!

In the blessed name of Jesus, AMEN!

Final Count Down...in Korea & Life (Maybe)

Today is July 28, 2013. 6:30 pm.

Tomorrow could be a major turning point in my life.  I go to see some doctors at CAU Hospital.  I'm getting my heart checked and also my thyroid, I think.

My chest has been bothering me off and on.  More left lateral, but sometime lower ribs on both sides...when I do dishes, and after walking sometimes.  I think it is probably stress related, but I don't know.  I'm a little worried.  I don't really know what else I can do for my heart, but exercise, and that is so hard for me to do.  I certainly am not over weight! 118 lbs.

But the thing that I'm most worried about is that I might have cancer in my thyroid.  I've had this small bump on the right side that is bigger than a similar bump on the left side.  It might just be the trachea but I don't know.  I found it and my neck has been bothering me off and on since shortly after Daddy was diagnosed with cancer in Sept. 2012.  It has been a very hard year.

I just woke up from a nap.  I think I have decided that if I have cancer I am NOT going to do traditional therapy.  I think I will put a time limit on how long I fight it, and then, if God doesn't see fit to give me health, I will let nature run its course.  Why?

1. I haven't enjoyed life that much anyway.
2. I don't see much in the future to live for.  The world is just getting crazier and crazier.
3. I don't have any dependents.
4. I realize, while I have tried to be kind to people, I have been a spiritual "cumberer of the ground."
5. If the Lord is allowing me to be laid to rest to save me, why should I fight it?
6. I trust the Lord can save me, and more years or less years won't change that.  I just need to surrender each thought and remaining breath into His loving hands.

PRAYER

Lord Jesus,

I don't know how many years, months, days or even hours I have left in my life.  Life looks like it might be a lot shorter than I thought it would be.  It certainly was for Daddy (75 years).

I realize that YOU must change my heart.  I want to be saved, to see Daddy again, to spend eternity exploring the universe with Him and YOU.  Give me right motives, right thoughts.  Please fill and transform me by YOUR grace.

Whether I live or die soon, I trust my soul into YOUR keeping.  YOU have promised that whoever comes to YOU will not be cast out.  Lord Jesus, I come.

I believe, help Thou my unbelief!

In the blessed name of Jesus, AMEN!

A Second Year from Hell: 01

To make a long story short, my Dad died March 3.  I was blessed to spend most of the last two months of his life with him.

He took a sudden turn for the worse around Thanksgiving and we all decided I should go home ASAP.  That required changing all my travel plans, including buying an expensive Korean Air ticket.  The good thing was that it was a direct flight, and after some flight delays, I was home around 10:30 pm on NewYears day.

11/21/2012

Accomplished:

1. Called about Photon Genius & Genie; feel encouraged
2. Made a quick switch in class to "group story creation"; felt a little guilty for people who had written out something, but the first class just didn't cut it!
3. Got ticket for Parson Dance and LG Art Center; that was good for me I think.  It was a fantastic show, amazing twists on Operatic etc music.
4. Finish "On the Water" by H.M. van den Brink.  Book starts slow but it is great.

Feelings:

1. Worried about Dad.  I just wish I knew if we are making progress
2. My stomach is acting up again.

Last Days in Seoul? No. 3

Monday June 11: Another Monday, desperate Monday.  I really felt like I had no idea what I was doing for class.  I find myself in that situation a lot.  I don't know how that is possible since I have taught the same stuff over and over now, but I still do.  I spend too much time grading, and not enough time planning.  I don't know how to change that.

Anyway, I did review, right or wrong.  There hasn't been enough time, and I resent the fact that I didn't know about the standardized testing a long time ago (the fact that the mixed classes weren't taking it).

• Dong-gi, scheduling problems.  Why am I so accommodating?
• Mad Men in the afternoon.  I really am addicted!
• I got no grading done, between relaxing, emailing, etc.
• Dinner with James and then talking till after 9 pm.  To bad he isn't gay!