Today I got an email forward from my parents. Subject: "Encouraging news!" It tells some interesting stories about the spread of the "Sabbath Message" and says, "Surely He cometh quickly!!" Such emails, and there are been a couple recently, produce such conflict in my heart. I know I should be happy and look forward to Christ's coming with joy and hope, but I see my life as so messed up and beyond repair that I come so close to despair.
I really believe all this stuff, but when you are gay, and addicted to porn, and probably haven't keep Sabbath, really, in many years, it sounds more like a death sentence. I keep trying to hold on to the belief that God is working in my life and He can clean it up in His way and time. This is a HUGE struggle for me. I see myself getting progressively worse, not better. But I don't know how God sees me.
When I think of it -- usually after spending hours online looking at porn and jacking off (like this morning) -- I ask God to take my heart and change it. Certainly I have had no luck changing myself.
This is just the beginning of why I am so distracted and unsettled today, but I can't talk about it all here, right now. Where is that miracle of progress...before it is too late?
