He's Got the Whole World...

I really like this picture.  It reminds me of that old song.  I really need to remember today that God has control of everything, because right now I'm NOT feeling in control or at peace!

Today I got an email forward from my parents.  Subject: "Encouraging news!"  It tells some interesting stories  about the spread of the "Sabbath Message" and says, "Surely He cometh quickly!!"  Such emails, and there are been a couple recently, produce such conflict in my heart.  I know I should be happy and look forward to Christ's coming with joy and hope, but I see my life as so messed up and beyond repair that I come so close to despair.

I really believe all this stuff, but when you are gay, and addicted to porn, and probably haven't keep Sabbath, really, in many years, it sounds more like a death sentence.  I keep trying to hold on to the belief that God is working in my life and He can clean it up in His way and time.  This is a HUGE struggle for me.  I see myself getting progressively worse, not better.  But I don't know how God sees me.

When I think of it -- usually after spending hours online looking at porn and jacking off (like this morning) -- I ask God to take my heart and change it.  Certainly I have had no luck changing myself.

This is just the beginning of why I am so distracted and unsettled today, but I can't talk about it all here, right now.  Where is that miracle of progress...before it is too late?

Focus

I was in the office this afternoon from about 2 to 11 pm.  I made a list of about 6 things to do.  How many of them did I complete?  ZERO, not one of them did I really complete!  Why is this?

It is because I'm so distracted.  I have been this way all my life it seems.  I remember having a very hard time in school getting my homework done.  Same problem.  Is there any hope that I will be able to change now?

It is CRAZY to work all Sunday afternoon, till 11 pm and not having anything to show for it!  The point is, I didn't really work.  I started out well, setting a timer and trying to focus.  But that lasts for about 30 mins. and then I get off the system or get curious and end up surfing the net or sometime.

In the process I did find this website about how to get focused.  I spend some time looking at it and realize I need to read it.  I also made some comments...we'll see if they do any good.

Also, another one of my distractions is frustration and anger.  I don't like my teaching materials, and there are big problems with the online lab that students are using.  When these emotions come up I just shut down and need my addiction to release the stress.

So yes, I probably spent the last several hours surfing Model Mayhem and that, of course, led to watching porn.

WHAT I LEARNED: Lack of focus is one of my MAJOR problems.  If anyone can pray with me about this, I really need it.

Vacation = Frustration (part 1)

Venting...

Feeling: Angry

Mood: Depressed Desperation

Reason: Failure to accomplish mental goals for the holiday

This is such a recurring problem for me.  Having great dreams of accomplishments but completing almost none of them.  Even now, that is how I feel about this blog.  It produces more guilt than anything else.  

I was going to spend about 20 or 30 minutes writing an entry.  With only 8 mins left, I have almost nothing done. Maybe I will do it in parts, and at least get something written.  Something is better than nothing, right?

I was really looking forward to this holiday.  With the cancelling of my Monday classes I literally had no scheduled work for 10 straight days.  Some people could save the entire planet in that length of time.  Me?  I apparently can't accomplish a darn thing!  

Partly it is my fault, but partly because I'm a sucker for putting other people first.  While that might seem good, my needs and goals end up in last place, so those of others usually are the only ones I accomplish since what others needed or want get done first, and after all the time I waste on my addition, there is no time left to work on my real goals.  It has been this way for years.  I know I need to change, but that just doesn't seem to be happening fast.

I keep praying....   

Changes for better or for worse?

I started this post a very long time ago.  It just proves one of the many things I struggle with so much, and hate about myself...

lack of consistency and follow through, especially on things I need to do for myself.

You see, I wrote about two days of Kinship, but I never got any further.  There were four days, and they were all great, and I wish I had written about all of them while I still remember.  But it just didn't happen.

I really would like to be a good blogger, but I'm too obsessed with other things--mainly porn--to seem to get such done.

Well, here is the post from the past--the far distant past--like spring of 2008 I think.

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Living on the other side of the world from where I last wrote is quite a change. I'm in Asia again, living in an Asian New York (ANY). I'm back to my old job, teaching English, but I also have some administrative duties as well. I'm not sure that is a good idea, but they asked me, and I said if they were stupid enough to ask a right brained person to do a left brained persons work, I would try.

Actually, several years ago I took an online test which told you what your job would be if you lived in a medieval society. A young, very intelligent, German friend of mine told me about it. He had taken it and it said he should be a duke, or some other personage of note. So I look it on a lark, just for fun.....It said I would be a benevolent ruler. So...I'm hoping it is prophetic and that I am able to "rule" well and with grace and equity but with tolerance and wisdom.

Kinship Kampmeeting ~ Day 2

Truly an amazing day.

Here is an outline written quickly before I forget it all.  I will try to develop it more later.

Didn't go to the early morning devotion and exercise....I was keeping my addiction from rusting!

Morning Mtg: Beth G. was fantastic.  What touching stories...especially about her brother coming out to her just last fall.  She showed us a picture of her "beautiful brother".  (OMG, but he is gorgeous!)  Also very touching about her retired-SDA-pastor-father who now wants to be an advocate for gays and lesbians in the church.  WOW!

Business Mtg: A bit long, but actually quite interesting.

Lunch: One of the servers is Asian and so f**king cute and I'm sure gay.  I kept eye flirting with him.

2-4 pm: "Sandro D." gave a presentation about a paper he did dealing with homophobia and religiosity.  A bit long but quite well presented.  I'm quite fascinated by Sandro.  He is 25 and 100% pretty boy...beautiful eastern-European-Bel-Ami-model looks.  I was left with a major curiosity as to weather or not he is gay.  He neither confirmed nor denied it in his talk.  Hum....I have to figure this out!

4-6 pm: Film "Brother Outsider."  Very good, a story I had never heard about a man I had never heard of.  If you haven't seen it, you MUST!

Dinner: Sat at the table with Sandro, the gay male couple with two kids (via a surrogate), and others.  I still couldn't figure Sandro out.  Went to a short meeting for local coordinators.  I think I will try to do something when I get back to Korea, but don't know how much.  The cute Asian boy was there again.  I'm so in lust!  I actually gave him my numbers on a sheet of paper after dinner....no response so far...and feeling pretty stupid about it.  Oh well!

Evening Mtg: Changed to watching the film about the LDS church and Proposition 8 in California.  Very interesting and thought provoking....but not really enjoyable.

Evening Mtg 2: "Our Stories."  I hurried across the isle and got in the group with Sandro.  Very interesting story, OMG!  But that is all I can say until he graduates....you always have risks at SDA institutions.  The other stories were very interesting too...

Afterwards Seth and I talked for quite a while.  We are going to try to practice some piano duets tomorrow.

OK, I'm super tired now.  I hope this makes some sense.  It is more details than I planned on.