He's Got the Whole World...

I really like this picture.  It reminds me of that old song.  I really need to remember today that God has control of everything, because right now I'm NOT feeling in control or at peace!

Today I got an email forward from my parents.  Subject: "Encouraging news!"  It tells some interesting stories  about the spread of the "Sabbath Message" and says, "Surely He cometh quickly!!"  Such emails, and there are been a couple recently, produce such conflict in my heart.  I know I should be happy and look forward to Christ's coming with joy and hope, but I see my life as so messed up and beyond repair that I come so close to despair.

I really believe all this stuff, but when you are gay, and addicted to porn, and probably haven't keep Sabbath, really, in many years, it sounds more like a death sentence.  I keep trying to hold on to the belief that God is working in my life and He can clean it up in His way and time.  This is a HUGE struggle for me.  I see myself getting progressively worse, not better.  But I don't know how God sees me.

When I think of it -- usually after spending hours online looking at porn and jacking off (like this morning) -- I ask God to take my heart and change it.  Certainly I have had no luck changing myself.

This is just the beginning of why I am so distracted and unsettled today, but I can't talk about it all here, right now.  Where is that miracle of progress...before it is too late?

Focus

I was in the office this afternoon from about 2 to 11 pm.  I made a list of about 6 things to do.  How many of them did I complete?  ZERO, not one of them did I really complete!  Why is this?

It is because I'm so distracted.  I have been this way all my life it seems.  I remember having a very hard time in school getting my homework done.  Same problem.  Is there any hope that I will be able to change now?

It is CRAZY to work all Sunday afternoon, till 11 pm and not having anything to show for it!  The point is, I didn't really work.  I started out well, setting a timer and trying to focus.  But that lasts for about 30 mins. and then I get off the system or get curious and end up surfing the net or sometime.

In the process I did find this website about how to get focused.  I spend some time looking at it and realize I need to read it.  I also made some comments...we'll see if they do any good.

Also, another one of my distractions is frustration and anger.  I don't like my teaching materials, and there are big problems with the online lab that students are using.  When these emotions come up I just shut down and need my addiction to release the stress.

So yes, I probably spent the last several hours surfing Model Mayhem and that, of course, led to watching porn.

WHAT I LEARNED: Lack of focus is one of my MAJOR problems.  If anyone can pray with me about this, I really need it.

Vacation = Frustration (part 1)

Venting...

Feeling: Angry

Mood: Depressed Desperation

Reason: Failure to accomplish mental goals for the holiday

This is such a recurring problem for me.  Having great dreams of accomplishments but completing almost none of them.  Even now, that is how I feel about this blog.  It produces more guilt than anything else.  

I was going to spend about 20 or 30 minutes writing an entry.  With only 8 mins left, I have almost nothing done. Maybe I will do it in parts, and at least get something written.  Something is better than nothing, right?

I was really looking forward to this holiday.  With the cancelling of my Monday classes I literally had no scheduled work for 10 straight days.  Some people could save the entire planet in that length of time.  Me?  I apparently can't accomplish a darn thing!  

Partly it is my fault, but partly because I'm a sucker for putting other people first.  While that might seem good, my needs and goals end up in last place, so those of others usually are the only ones I accomplish since what others needed or want get done first, and after all the time I waste on my addition, there is no time left to work on my real goals.  It has been this way for years.  I know I need to change, but that just doesn't seem to be happening fast.

I keep praying....