Anointed & Busy

What is the life cycle of a cake? That was the opening question in the SS class I taught at church. I think this was the 3rd or 4th time I have taught the SS class since I have been "home" for almost 4 months now. I have lead the study on Wed. night a couple times too. The people seem to enjoy my style or something. I'm not sure what.

I guess this is confirmation that maybe teaching IS my thing...my gift. I just sort of do my thing. Last week one older gentleman said, "if you taught all the time I would come back to this SS class." My mother says he is a gripe. Whatever....he had been a pastor for many years, quite successful it sounded like...but mother says he is stuck on himself. Interesting that he would like my teaching anyway.

During church they had singing and testimony time. I felt I should say thank for the blessing of renewed eyesight (I just had cataract surgery on both eyes) and also that through all that God was able to get through to me about my spiritual blindness as well. I choose to follow that impression. That is a hard thing for me to do...so that was a victory for today.

From 2:20 to 2:44 pm I met with Pastors P & J. I have been talking to Pastor P and emailing about my porn addiction. He has tried to put me in contact with some potential help. So far I have talked by phone to a guy in Atlanta, play phone tag with another person and the best connection so far...at least I think...is my online friend WC who has a similar background and seems to understand the struggle.

We met for an anointing service. This is based on the following bible passage:

James 5:14-16
(14) Is any sick among you? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord.
(15) And the prayer of faith will cure the sick, and the Lord shall raise him up. And if he has committed sins, it will be forgiven him.
(16) Confess faults to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous one avails much.

I had actually wanted to be anointed before my surgeries, but it didn't work out. Finally now, I believe that God honors our prayers. I know victory over my addiction is His will. I also asked for complete healing from my other eye problems...God can and will if it is best for me and His work.

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Insert about Organ Seminar
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Tonight, after supper I opened up email really hoping WC would have written. Nothing. I had this physical sensation of longing. This is the precursor to porn and masturbation usually.

For some reason, I think God's help, I realized there was this longing to connect with someone, to be understood. I have been around people all day, being a teacher, putting on the face. And I realize that when it is over, I want honest open communication, to feel loved and understood.

I think at least part of my porn addiction has been this search for intimacy & connection. Living vicariously through the *intimacy* of the porn stars. But of course I have no one, and I don't see how I ever will. I know that even if I were "married" that it is impossible to have this every time you *need* it. Fact is, often people in relationships are more frustrated an isolated even than me, I think, because they're "spouse" isn't there, isn't understanding, isn't intimate.

Jesus, I need you to supply this need. Because I see not way to get it here in appropriate ways. Thank you for helping me get through this day with no porn.