STD testing and Anger

I'm angry again tonight.  Only about a 7 on the scale, but enough to notice.  I came home from work again pretty late.  Stopped by the super market to get some milk and salad stuff...good thing I did...we were completely out of milk, a necessity at breakfast for me.

It isn't so much the lateness but the fact that I am still not at all ready for tomorrow's classes.  Why can't I really work hard for about an hour after classes finish at 4:30 and get my stuff done?  It just never happens.  I'm tired from class, I want--need a break.  That break never gets broken, and I end up writing emails, and other stuff that needs to be done, but does not contribute to my peace or calmness of mind when tomorrow morning comes and a new day of class starts.

And tomorrow is mid-term testing, so there is no choice but to be ready.  I can't fake this one.

The Dr. finally called me back, much later than I expected that he would even be at the office--oh crap I forgot to ask him how to get a print out of the results!  He told me everything was negative.  For the first time in my life, that much negativity was a VERY GOOD thing.

Since a few days after my last overnight at Hamilton Hotel Sauna (which I still haven't finished blogging about) I have had some red places and discomfort on the "goods" which raised some concerns.  I was about to think I might have gotten herpes from that cock slut that blew me.

Since I have never been really checked out since coming to Korea, I decided it might be a good time.  The STD tests cost more than I expected, about $150, and it took over a week to get all the results.  It was the result of the herpes test that I was waiting on and most worried about.  But hey, now I know I don't even have the cold sore type, which I thought I probably did, though I don't ever get cold sores.  

Since thankfully it isn't herpes, it must be the same thing I had a few years ago in another town.  The Korean Dr. there said it was just a normal everyday bacteria gone a bit crazy.

So I'm very happy about the STD test result, and angry about not getting my test prep finished, and writing this blog didn't get me any closer to that goal either, but I really wanted to tell someone about this...GI Joe is never available to talk about it!  ARGH!!!

Gay Man's Paradise

A face book friend brought this article to my attention.  It is refreshing when a religious straight person really thinks deeply enough about the catch 22 situation so many of us are in.

If number of comments tells you anything about an articles relevance, then this one must be VERY relevant.

I couldn't help myself.  I had to add my thanks as well.  Here is what I wrote:

I thank you, Steve, for having the guts to put your conflicted, struggling thoughts in print. 

Oh, how I wish it were possible to find answers to this issue! I'm now in my late 40's and still can not figure out how to deal with being gay. While all around me, people progress through their lives, I am frozen in time (except the body never made it into the freezer!). I have never had a long-term, committed relationship with either gender--both are off limits--but the "blessing" of celibacy also eludes me, especially celibacy of the mind and heart!

Recently, through the haze of addiction and disenchantment, I am learning to hang feverishly onto 2 Peter 3:9. How I desperately hope that Peter's definition of "anyone" can somehow include a very confused and lost gay man. The lights, the music...all the bling-bling of heaven...sounds like any gay man's paradise!

Christ Object Lessons pg. 159 has become my ground zero. "... no man can empty himself of self." No gay man can change whatever it is that needs changing. "We can only consent for Christ to accomplish the work. 

"Then the language of the soul will be, Lord, take my heart; for I cannot give it. It is Thy property. Keep it pure, for I cannot keep it for Thee. Save me in spite of myself, my weak, unchristlike self. Mold me, fashion me, raise me into a pure and holy atmosphere, where the rich current of Thy love can flow through my soul."

I keep praying this prayer. I have come to believe it is my last, my only hope!

Dear reader, especially if you have a hot-line to heaven, please pray, desperately pray, that Jesus can include all your gay brothers and sisters in Peter's "anyone." So many of us have given up praying for ourselves!

He's Got the Whole World...

I really like this picture.  It reminds me of that old song.  I really need to remember today that God has control of everything, because right now I'm NOT feeling in control or at peace!

Today I got an email forward from my parents.  Subject: "Encouraging news!"  It tells some interesting stories  about the spread of the "Sabbath Message" and says, "Surely He cometh quickly!!"  Such emails, and there are been a couple recently, produce such conflict in my heart.  I know I should be happy and look forward to Christ's coming with joy and hope, but I see my life as so messed up and beyond repair that I come so close to despair.

I really believe all this stuff, but when you are gay, and addicted to porn, and probably haven't keep Sabbath, really, in many years, it sounds more like a death sentence.  I keep trying to hold on to the belief that God is working in my life and He can clean it up in His way and time.  This is a HUGE struggle for me.  I see myself getting progressively worse, not better.  But I don't know how God sees me.

When I think of it -- usually after spending hours online looking at porn and jacking off (like this morning) -- I ask God to take my heart and change it.  Certainly I have had no luck changing myself.

This is just the beginning of why I am so distracted and unsettled today, but I can't talk about it all here, right now.  Where is that miracle of progress...before it is too late?

Focus

I was in the office this afternoon from about 2 to 11 pm.  I made a list of about 6 things to do.  How many of them did I complete?  ZERO, not one of them did I really complete!  Why is this?

It is because I'm so distracted.  I have been this way all my life it seems.  I remember having a very hard time in school getting my homework done.  Same problem.  Is there any hope that I will be able to change now?

It is CRAZY to work all Sunday afternoon, till 11 pm and not having anything to show for it!  The point is, I didn't really work.  I started out well, setting a timer and trying to focus.  But that lasts for about 30 mins. and then I get off the system or get curious and end up surfing the net or sometime.

In the process I did find this website about how to get focused.  I spend some time looking at it and realize I need to read it.  I also made some comments...we'll see if they do any good.

Also, another one of my distractions is frustration and anger.  I don't like my teaching materials, and there are big problems with the online lab that students are using.  When these emotions come up I just shut down and need my addiction to release the stress.

So yes, I probably spent the last several hours surfing Model Mayhem and that, of course, led to watching porn.

WHAT I LEARNED: Lack of focus is one of my MAJOR problems.  If anyone can pray with me about this, I really need it.

Vacation = Frustration (part 1)

Venting...

Feeling: Angry

Mood: Depressed Desperation

Reason: Failure to accomplish mental goals for the holiday

This is such a recurring problem for me.  Having great dreams of accomplishments but completing almost none of them.  Even now, that is how I feel about this blog.  It produces more guilt than anything else.  

I was going to spend about 20 or 30 minutes writing an entry.  With only 8 mins left, I have almost nothing done. Maybe I will do it in parts, and at least get something written.  Something is better than nothing, right?

I was really looking forward to this holiday.  With the cancelling of my Monday classes I literally had no scheduled work for 10 straight days.  Some people could save the entire planet in that length of time.  Me?  I apparently can't accomplish a darn thing!  

Partly it is my fault, but partly because I'm a sucker for putting other people first.  While that might seem good, my needs and goals end up in last place, so those of others usually are the only ones I accomplish since what others needed or want get done first, and after all the time I waste on my addition, there is no time left to work on my real goals.  It has been this way for years.  I know I need to change, but that just doesn't seem to be happening fast.

I keep praying....